Oh Maureen Dowd - Find Ye the Ideal Husband
By TheSophist Posted in Culture — Comments (22) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »
It is good from time to time to emerge from the seriousness of the threat against civilization posed by radical irhabis, or the continuing slide towards socialism, to take on topics of utter frivolity.
Maureen Dowd is herself such a topic, but it never gets more frivolous than when she -- the author of the book Are Men Necessary? -- takes on marriage. She did so in a recent Op-Ed in the NY Times. Most of the column is devoted to the advice of one Father Pat Connor, a "79-year old Catholic priest born in Australia" who has been giving lectures to young women entitled "Whom Not to Marry". Some pearls of wisdom are:
“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.
“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.
“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.
and, of course, this one:
“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?
All of this is excellent advice. I heartily recommend taking all of it.
What I can't fathom for the life of me, however, is why this Ideal Husband (supposing such a man existed) would deign to fall for most of the young women in Fr. Connor's audience.
When I was a young man in college, I fell into the throes of woe because I felt that I couldn't find my One amongst my female colleagues, none of which measured up to my standards. I complained of this to my mother, and she gave me some sage advice that I now pass on to all of you.
She said, "Son, supposing that you find this ideal woman you've described... what makes you think she'd go for you?"
Screeeeeech. Crrrash. Thud.
Yeah, I know. You just can't buy support like that.
At the same time, what she said was true. What sort of man was I that I was looking for this perfect woman? I was looking for a beautiful, intelligent, independent, multi-lingual, professional woman, who would nonetheless make a great wife and mother, who appreciated Puccini, but liked gangsta rap, could drink shots of tequila, play pool and piano, and was a churchgoing woman who liked to party. Let's ignore all of the contradictions for a moment. And let's say such a woman does in fact exist. The real question for me became, "What sort of man do I have to be in order to attract and deserve such a woman?"
So I feel there's a flipside to Fr. Connor's lecture -- perhaps Dowd neglects to give that section to us in her column. What I would ask all those high school girls is, "What sort of young woman do YOU have to be in order to win the love of the ideal husband?"
I'm pretty sure that a man who has lots of friends, spends money wisely, has a sense of humor, likes to communicate, understands intimacy, doesn't have any serious problems, has a great family relationship, and possesses all the character traits that add up to a good human being is not exactly going to fall for:
- a slut hussy with little self-respect
- a shrill harpy who's constantly bitching about respect while giving none
- a stupid wench who knows everything about the Sex and the City girls, but thinks Thucydides is an exotic Greek entree
- a materialistic golddigger who doesn't even give the time of day to a guy who's not flashing the cash and driving the dash
- a clingy annoyance who can't bear to be more than 3 feet from her man-purse
And so on.
I'm married now to a great woman who falls far short of my ideal. But then, I'm not winning Perfect Man of the Century award anytime either. She's got a lot of issues; but then, so do I. She's got a nasty tongue, and I've got a hasty temper. She can be a total b***ch, and I can be a total a*****e. We fight, we make up, we get by. Then again, she can be a sweetheart, and I can be a good guy. I've got a sense of humor, and she can tell jokes. She's a great cook, and I'm a good eater. She's a great mother, and me... well... some things still need improvement.
Somehow, two imperfect people got together to make an imperfect family with imperfect kids, and we make every imperfect day pass with as much happiness, security, and love as we can imperfectly muster up. If this is the best that the two of us could do... well, I gotta tell ya, it's pretty good.
In so many ways, both good and bad, I realize that the two of us really and truly deserve each other.
What use then, this notion of the "ideal husband" or the "ideal wife" or the "ideal marriage"?
Except perhaps to console embittered lonely NY Times columnists and her ilk who tell themselves that they never found The One for them....
-TS
although admittedly brutally honest on that parting shot.
McCain for POTUS so the left can't ruin SCOTUS.
I'm 28 years old and single.
One of the reasons, I've thought (and hoped) is that I just don't get along with my generation too well.
Sometimes, and I don't mean to make it look like I hold myself upon a pedastal, I feel like The Time Traveller, trying to converse with the Eloi.
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Dependence is Slavery.
Political Compass
Economic Left/Right: 7.12
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: 1.85
I feel like The Time Traveller, trying to converse with the Eloi.
Yep. You definitely do not fit in with your generation, knowing stuff like that.
The greatest single cause of Atheism today is Christians who profess Jesus with their lips & then go and deny him by their lifestyle. That's what an unbelieving world simply finds..unbelievable -Brennan Manning
Yes, I get the same look from them that I give them when they talk about whoever big brother booted off the island of Dr. 90210, or whatever they're passing off as quality entertainment these days.
Last night I watched local news, then some television show came on with a bunch of bratty teenage girls that really just needed to have their parents take a belt to them until the temper tantrum passed. I actually felt myself getting stupider as I was searching for the remote.
IQ was being sucked from my head. I started to understand universal healthcare.
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Dependence is Slavery.
Political Compass
Economic Left/Right: 7.12
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: 1.85
Every year that goes by your pool of eligible women gets bigger. This is because girls are graduating from college at an ever-higher rate than boys (58% of bachelors degrees last year). Girls marry even or up. So their pool is getting smaller as yours expands. Thank you, women's movement!!
Just don't move to China.
He's 28 years old. I don't think it is that amazing of a stretch for a 28 year old to have read some H.G. Wells in their lifetime (I think I read that one for the first time when I was around 13).
Look, I'm not that far from his age, and I get tired of people equating anyone under 40 with the same 20-somethings you see texting each other in their Hollister sweatshirts and talking about who kicked whose rear on American Idol last night. Most of the people of my (his?) generation are not like Paris Hilton, despite what you may see on TV.
Lance, I know a dozen young women in your age bracket who don't think the Speaker of the House is part of their home entertainment system*. Is it possible you're not finding what you're looking for because you're shopping in the wrong department?
* - props to Dave Barry or Scott Adams, I forget which.
Well, at the moment I am working full time, going to school (paying out of pocket to do it) and helping to take care of my folks. I don't have time for much of a personal life in those regards.
It isn't a case of shopping at the wrong department. I'm not even at the store. heh.
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Dependence is Slavery.
Political Compass
Economic Left/Right: 7.12
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: 1.85
The connecticut yankee did found Sandy in Arthurian England (I'm basically in the same boat as you martially wise except I'm 3 years younger).
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Is it a right to remain ignorant?
The mere fact that you post on this site means you (and Lance) are out of the mainstream. The fact that you have associates that would know HG Wells is either coincidence or means you run with a similar crowd in terms of intellect/interests/culture.
Statistically, this probably means something in terms of at least 2 from the norm...if I could remember that stuff in detail from long lost college days.
The greatest single cause of Atheism today is Christians who profess Jesus with their lips & then go and deny him by their lifestyle. That's what an unbelieving world simply finds..unbelievable -Brennan Manning
The upside of them is you know they aren't vegan.
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4.62, 0.51
is you can be particular, but don't be too picky.
I have been married for 24 years, Got a great wife, but she is NOT perfect. Nor am I.
But if you are 28, then I suggest you start really looking for someone. You don't want to go through life alone. It's not fun.
"Nothing works like freedom, Nothing succeeds like liberty"
Kyle
What I was saying was that you can be as particular as you wish, but understand that you too will be judged by the same level of scrutiny.
In other words, if you're going to take the attitude of, "Hey, I just wanna meet someone nice" then all that is required of you is to be a man who deserves someone nice.
If you're looking for someone who is a committed Christian, devoted to family, and beautiful... then you too had better be a committed Christian (or at least someone that a committed Christian could love), devoted to family (or at least a man that a woman devoted to family could love), and have something going on that a beautiful woman would find you appealing.
If you're looking for a woman who is a beauty queen, former Olympic runner, three-time Wimbledon champion, who is committed to Christ, and heads up her own investment banking firm, but wants six kids and run for Congress after the kids... well, you'd best make sure you too can measure up.
28 is young still for a man. Wait for the Thunderbolt. I didn't want to get married till at least 45. Then I met my wife, and basically couldn't help it. :)
-TS
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same." - Ronald Reagan
At 24, I was just starting my military service, had good pay, exciting work as a pilot and a deployment to Germany ahead of me.
I firmly decided I would not get married until I was thirty five and had absorbed my fill of what life could offer a man in my position.
I was full of anticipation for 'Tom's European Adventure' with frequent side trips to Sweden/Norway/Denmark (during summer months) and the various warmer climes (during winter).
By age 25 I was married and touring many of these places along side my wife of (now) 20 years.
Thunderbolt indeed.
(The greatest single cause of Atheism today is Christians who profess Jesus with their lips & then go and deny him by their lifestyle. That's what an unbelieving world simply finds..unbelievable -Brennan Manning
And the typical travails are thoroughly worth it for the right one, I might add. Relationships are WORK. That horse's patooty harpy from the Treason Times is unworthy of comment.
Impeach the 5 usurpers
I was a lot like you--I grew weary of hoping to meet the ideal man. My mother decided I would probably never marry. Then I met The Man. Fell for him the moment I laid eyes on him. Didn't even think about ideal. Over the years, we created our own ideal. Point being--the good Father's advice is very self-serving to those girls. If you're shopping a man like you're shopping a car, well, you're going about it the wrong way imo. Same is true in reverse.
Good post--very "thinkative."
best, Kay
is a more serious threat to civilization than the one posed by radical islamists. seriously
Mike DeVine’s Charlotte Observer columns
www.theminorityreportblog.com
"The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race." - The Chief Justice
for the radical irhabis would have had no chance against Americans of the Teddy Roosevelt era....
-TS
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same." - Ronald Reagan
Mike DeVine’s Charlotte Observer columns
www.theminorityreportblog.com
"The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race." - The Chief Justice
Thanks for the words of wisdom, TS. Well done.
Mike DeVine’s Charlotte Observer columns
www.theminorityreportblog.com
"The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race." - The Chief Justice
My husband of 20 years is the exact opposite of me in personality, he is quiet and I am outgoing. It is because we are opposite in personality that we compliment each other so well. He is not perfect and you can damn well guarantee I am not perfect :-)
Freedom of Religion NOT Freedom from Religion